If so, apply now for funds, training, and weapons. Please fill in this form and return it to the White House, 1700 Pennsylvania Avenue, DC, USA.

From the New Yorker’s Borowitz Report:

WASHINGTON—After announcing, on Thursday, that it would seek $500 million to help “train and equip appropriately vetted elements of the moderate Syrian armed opposition,” the White House today posted the following Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form:

Welcome to the United States’ Moderate Syrian Rebel Vetting Process. To see if you qualify for $500 million in American weapons, please choose an answer to the following questions:

As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:

A) Moderate

B) Very moderate

C) Crazy moderate

D) Other

I became a Syrian rebel because I believe in:

A) Truth

B) Justice

C) The American Way

D) Creating an Islamic caliphate

Read the rest here.